"Hey, Loveman!" Clay's voice boomed down the hall. "Phone!"
The towering cowboy from Montana didn't have a good handle on theology or doctrine, but he made up for it with volume. His vocal talents still qualified him to become a superstar televangelist or a mega-church pastor in our denomination.
"Thanks, brother," I said, emerging from my dorm room.
I felt terrible that Clay's room was situated right in front of the community phones. He must feel like the messaging service for everyone on the first floor.
I walked down the hall with its pale prison-like cinderblocks and picked up the receiver.
"Hello..."
"They still call you that?" Janine asked in her gentle voice.
Janine never complained, but I always got the vibe that she didn't like them calling me "Loveman" after we started dating. She knew that Kirk, my first roommate, based it on the literal German translation of my last name. He also teased me behind closed doors, calling me "Lover of Men," but I never told her about that.
If anyone knew that I wasn't the gigolo of the Christian campus, it should've been Janine. She knew that something was off in our relationship, even if she couldn't put her finger on it. But I knew the culprit, even if I wasn't ready to admit it even to myself. Over the years, I entombed my secret, but it still signaled to me like a demonic radio beacon. I was in the middle of a fierce internal battle over my sexual orientation.
"There aren't many people who call me that anymore," I said, feeling a little exasperated.
"OK, well…hey, we need to talk."
"Is everything OK?"
I sensed big trouble somewhere in her voice. My breath quickened, and my mind raced with the terrible scenarios that might play out. She's finally going to dump me. Does she know? Is she going to report me to the administration? Is my ministry over before it even starts?
"Let's just meet in the chapel in a few."
Oh crap, I thought. Janine's ending this, and I can't blame her one bit. How long could she possibly date someone who showed her no natural affection? Now I knew 100% what was coming, and it scared me.
The chapel on campus was used for daily services, but it was also where relationships went to die. If your significant other asked you to meet there, it was a sure sign that they were planning to break your heart and leave Jesus to pick up the pieces. I always thought it was a rather genius strategy because who could argue if their last words were, "Let us pray"? Now that I might be on the receiving end, I didn't admire it so much.
I traipsed back to my room and bundled up before venturing into the freezing Great Plains. As I added layers, my monkey mind went berserk. How could she know? Was she going to confront me? Will they kick me out of school?
I stepped out into the whipping arctic air, and it caused a moment of physical pain, and then everything went numb. I wished that my nerves could do the same.
I battled toward the chapel and distracted myself, replaying how Janine and I met. I was the leader of a campus inner-city ministry, and she joined a multicity student trip that I organized. Having seen her on campus, I already knew that she was a petite blonde who loved to smile. The more calculating guys in the dorm obsessed with her father being a prominent pastor. But during that trip, I learned that she had such a gentle, kind disposition and a powerful intellect. I drove the college van, and she rode shotgun the entire time. We spent a lot of time talking on the long journey and started dating a few days after we returned to campus. When the news traveled, everyone congratulated us, saying that we were the perfect couple.
My steps crunched on the icy gravel in the parking lot, and I looked around for anyone that could spot me entering the chapel. Everyone would know about it before the day ended if I was about to get dumped, but I wanted to avoid the shame of someone seeing it in real-time.
"Hey Cory, where's Janine?" Andrew bunched up with his girlfriend Emily, yelled from my blind side.
Damn!
"I think she's in her room," I lied, hoping that Emily didn't already know the truth.
"So, I'm just heading to the gym."
After the second lie, I pivoted away from the north doors of the chapel.
"Well, maybe Janine can warm you up when you're done!" Andrew laughed as Emily play-slapped him.
I gave him a thumbs-up and felt like the world's biggest phony.
I meandered around the oval-shaped building, thinking I could enter through the south doors instead. My head turned, and I squinted through the wind watching for witnesses. I wasn't paying attention and slipped on a patch of ice. My back hit the sidewalk, and it disoriented me for a moment. My layers padded my fall, and my body was too numb to feel any pain. I slowly rolled back up as if nothing had happened and continued.
How appropriate, I thought. How many times was Janine forced to fake slip just to get me to hold her hand? I understood that I was her boyfriend and should show her some kind of physical affection, and it just didn't come naturally to me. When I tried to psych myself up, it felt like my brain malfunctioned, and my body seized up.
I arrived at the south chapel doors and did a quick scan in all directions. At the point of no return, I dove into the chapel lobby and stripped off my winter jacket and hat. I wrapped around the hall to the sanctuary as the fog on my glasses began to clear. I went into the darkness, and it disoriented me. The bright lights and worship music were replaced with shadows and silence.
I couldn't see anything until my eyes adjusted to the creepy scene. I looked around and detected a couple hiding on the far side of the sanctuary.
"Cory?"
I jumped, surprised to hear Janine's voice coming from only a few feet away. She sat on a back pew taking cover under the balcony.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."
"It's just really dark."
"I thought you'd come in on the other side."
"I got sidetracked," I said as I sat next to her, and we shared an awkward hug.
Now that the small talk was over and my eyes were adjusted, I could really see grim disappointment coming through her. I saw that last time when Janine visited Milwaukee during spring break. She loved meeting my family, and they adored her. When it was time for her to board the bus home, she came in for a goodbye kiss. Instead, I dodged and turned it into a hug. The look was only a flash at that time, but now it seemed persistent.
Janine couldn't wait any longer and rushed to the real point of our meeting.
"I really like you a lot Cory, but I just don't think this is working." She paused to catch her breath. I wanted to fill in the silence, but again I was useless and couldn't speak. I dreaded this moment, but now that it was there, I didn't fight for our relationship.
"I think that we should…end things."
She studied my face. I kept silent while all kinds of voices were shouting in my head.
"I hope that I'm not hurting you," She said.
Janine looked like an angel speaking to me with words of comfort even as she felt her own pain. I was ashamed of everything. I wanted to beg her for forgiveness, and I wanted to confess with words I had never spoken. I also wanted to thank her for bearing the burden and doing the heavy work, including this final act of mercy. Those are the things that I thought about but failed to verbalize.
"Are you OK?" She asked.
"Yeah…I understand…" I finally spoke through shallow breaths. "I think it's… it's for the best."
I saw her eyes getting glassy for the first time and knew how much this weighed on her. I did not show any observable feelings for her, even now, at the end of our relationship. I did care, though, and she did matter to me, but I couldn't get the words out. Suppressing complicated feelings had already become my default position.
There was a stubborn silence. The only sound was the chapel heating system straining in the background. I don't remember who moved first, but we hugged and forced pained smiles one final time. I guess we both decided not to marinate more in the awkward silence, so we left in opposite directions.
Standing near the door, layering back up, I felt so many emotions all at once. It was like a dark work of abstract art with everything splashed together in seeming disorder. I felt like a failure as a man, guilty for what I did to Janine and fearful of what would happen next. But perhaps the most unexpected feeling that streaked across that canvas was relief. I was relieved that I no longer had to wear that mask and that I wouldn't be dragging Janine through the reckoning that I knew was coming.
(Author’s Note: This is a work of creative nonfiction)
Enjoyed another short story. You’re such a visual writer .